Trump’s Conversation With God
I dreamt that the Donald was so COVID sick his prayers got answered, literally
I know you are in great pain. Although I have welcomed the coronavirus into your body, the hurt you feel can be most attributed to the collision between your ego and karma. For you to receive COVID-19 was always the plan. Initially, I was to infect you last winter, at the onset of the pandemic. The postponement was inspired by a consideration for the millions of my American children. I saw this year as an opportunity for many to become informed by my finest gift to you: free reign. You persevered through three-fourths of your presidential term primarily under scandal — a rare feat. Nested within 2020 was another of my customized offerings: your greatest opportunity to rise as both a commander and a chief. So I spared you and sacrificed others — many of whom were in pain and at the end of their cycle. The intended number of casualties was never 200,000. The lion’s share of that death tab belongs to your administration and free reign.
As your nation began a shutdown that would imprison its citizens via domestic solitude, they bloated with anxiety and a desperation for answers. More than ever, they needed leadership. Instead, you parceled out lies. Repeated lies served fast and undercooked by you and your cabinet. First, you dubbed the coronavirus a hoax. Shortly thereafter, you blurted out that once April arrived it would “miraculously disappear.” It was a succession of ignorance from the biggest voice. So much so that Cornell University crowned you the largest spreader of COVID-19 misinformation. Spectacular, Donald! It was clear that your agenda was not to arm your civilians with education nor prevent death. You saw the pandemic as a prime opportunity to prolong your reign over the people. You were overjoyed to have a daily television show. Adults were stuck at home in front of their big and little screens. Whenever you desired a fix at the podium, they were there to provide high ratings and your lowest addiction: attention. This is the exact reason why I give all my children free rein — to find and be themselves.
My most effective leaders lean heavily on truth and data. The most intelligent of the humans adhere to expertise. My child, I put you in position to excel. I gave you one of your country’s greatest medical minds in Dr. Fauci — during a pandemic, might I add. And how did you proceed? You not only dismissed his counsel, you did so most disrespectfully in public view. Even after relaxing your stubbornness and ridiculous suggestions to inject disinfectant, you finally acquiesced to the need to wear masks. Except, you further diluted an already passive-aggressive advisory with the declaration that you wouldn’t partake in any mask wearing. That evening, you nearly received the virus with your dinner. Once again, I refrained.
One cannot govern with divisive messaging, especially when the line is drawn between health and death. This is how an inept leadership can return masses of people to my kingdom. I have procreated some poor parents. Many of my children have suffered for the loyalty they’ve shown their mothers and fathers. The same fate awaits those adopting politics and practices incongruent with their healthiest human interests. Your followers were so loyal that they ignored a bold fact: Your medical expertise is as thin as Ivanka.
Honestly, Donald, I set you up for success before you were elected president. During the ebola crisis, I granted your predecessor, Barack Obama, the autonomy to listen, assess, and create a plan to keep his countrymen safe — from present- day on. Fascinating that you blamed him for America being ill-prepared to fight COVID’s first wave. My son Barack established a National Council directorate dedicated to fighting and protecting Americans against inevitable future pandemics. You dismantled the unit. Because you don’t see the value in science. (Interesting how humans still differentiate magic from science.) Again, your agenda was not to educate or prevent death. Your priority was to dismantle every structure impressed with Barack’s fingerprints. With that subtraction came catastrophic loss.
The last straw came last week during your presidential debate. With the world watching, you couldn’t — wouldn’t — denounce the supremacy of those you humans categorize as White. You were the loyal kid with the bad parents going against his best interests. But that wasn’t what ultimately earned you a COVID infection. The proverbial camel’s spine snapped when you ridiculed those who sought to protect themselves by wearing masks.
Now you lay in your bed, in solitude, bloated with anxiety and a thirst for answers. Your oxygen level dropped twice within a 48-hour span, eventually landing you in the Walter Reed Medical Center. At this very moment, inside your cavity, is a bloody colosseum brawl between dexamethasone, rotting fast food, remdesivir, high fructose corn syrup, and COVID. You are in great pain, my child. Yet, you continue to value limelight over truth. While a guest on the show of your media friend Sean Hannity, you announced that you were awaiting the results of your COVID test. Not only were you positive when you stated this, you were fully aware of your status.
You knew you weren’t healthy enough to leave the hospital on Monday. Again, even with your very existence in jeopardy, you have prioritized optics. Your idea of power is rabid. (FYI your sons are arguing over which will become president if you die before November.) Due to your impetuous hospital exit, more humans were put in danger. Solely because you wanted to appear strong. A showcase of true strength, however, would be you lying in the hospital and detoxing from your megalomania. Instead, with zero regard for those who had to say their final goodbyes to parents over FaceTime or Zoom, you walk out of the hospital inebriated on a cocktail of drugs and tell your country that their leader has been uneducated on the coronavirus until last week. Even if the statement wasn’t a lie, it would still be disrespectful. Then to assume the position of a general during a war in which you’re a POW and proclaim that the key to defeating COVID is to simply not let it “dominate” one’s body is another example of your superpower: delusion. Because you are prone to be tone deaf — not my words; humans — allow me to crystallize your messaging: Over 200,000 Americans are deceased because they weren’t as resilient in the midst of attrition as Donald Trump. (You won’t believe the percentage of the fallen who voted you into power.)
Congratulations, my child. You have clutched the reigns of your free rein and attracted everything you now own: the death toll, global ridicule, uncontrollable perspiration, Stormy and Mary’s books, distraction from the Black bodies swinging from the resumés of Biden and Harris, coughs that feel like you’re swallowing razor blades. Never before have you felt more human. Never have you been more American. Your next four weeks will be your most creative. Reign on.